Curse of the big bazoombas.  

‘You are so lucky to have bigger boobs; I wish mine were bigger.’

NO! No, you really don’t.

Breasts, boobs, boobies, tits, titties, bazookas, bazoombas… whatever you like to call them they are, more often than not, an annoyance.

People with smaller boobs want bigger ones, people with bigger boobs want smaller ones… who is actually happy with what they’ve been given?!

Not I, that’s for sure.

I was always a relatively average size, 34C, that is until Christmas of my first year at uni. Something very strange seemed to happen between the middle of December and the middle of January. I went back to halls in January 2007 to one of my housemates saying ‘crikey, where did they appear from?!’. The curse of the big bazoombas had struct.

Now if you are some who likes to lift and push your baps together for a ‘killer cleavage’ then mine would be perfect. If you are that type of woman I suggest you stop reading.

As a slightly masculine-of-centre female, who prefers jeans and a shirt to dresses and bows, my 34E fat sacks are nothing but hindrance.

Let me explain why…

1. They are only ever going to go south. They are, currently, pert and in the right place but I know the inevitable will happen. Droopy boobies here I come.

2. Bras are like scaffolding for the larger lady. I am not one for fancy, lacy bras so I have, primarily, taken to wearing sports bras to keep my bad boys in place and try to minimise their protrusion from my body.

3. Running can hurt with a sports bra on, let alone without! One time, at university, I played a whole 90 minute football match with just an ordinary bra on as I had forgotten my sports bra. Cue a few days of back ache and a supporter asking another player ‘was your captain wearing a sports bra?’. There was obviously a lot of bouncing happening.

4. Clothing with buttons can be a nightmare. I love a good shirt… checked, pinstriped, patterned… a shirt for every occasion. However, so often there is a tugging and stretching across my oversized mammary glands: cue the button gape. Now, for this, there is a solution. Hallelujah Marks & Sparks and their genius hidden buttons creating a perfect fit over the chest. More shops need to follow M&S’s lead.

5. Bigger boobs make you sweat more: fact! Whilst in Vietnam a couple of summers ago, sweating in the humidity was the norm. However, a line of sweat under your breasts is not a good look.

So thank you mother nature. I have no idea where these delights have come from (no history of gigantic jugs in my immediate family) and I wish I had been dealt a different handful, preferable less of one.

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